Parenting in self isolation: A survival guide for parents during Covid-19
My 4-year-old is struggling with home isolation. Every morning without fail for the last weeks, he has come into my room every morning asking "Has coronavirus gone yet mummy?”. Every day I shake my head and give him a hug, he huffs “Fine, then I’m going back to bed!"
A larger than life character, usually with boundless energy and enthusiasm, amidst the daily tantrums, is now worryingly quiet at times. Finding e-learning infuriating and missing the fun and social interaction of school. "It's all because of the stupid virus," he mopes as he gets dressed most mornings.
Coronavirus. COVID-19. Social distancing. A month ago these were obscure, unknown terms. Now our social media feeds are full of them. We are being inundated with information. The atmosphere is one of uncomfortable uncertainty at best, extreme worry at worst, and most of the time somewhere in between.
Articles about how to parent right now, how to talk to our kids and help calm their fears are plentiful. I've read many. Contributed to some. And now I'm writing my own. Why? Because what I haven't seen yet is a bulleted list, a set of short and sweet and pragmatic tips you could print out and hang on your fridge as a reference. And so that's going to be my contribution. For today. Here goes:
Expect your kids to keep being kids. You will think that they get things they don't, or don't get things they do. You will explain “coronavirus" “e-learning” and "social distancing." Your kids will seem to get it, then ask if they can have a playdate with their best friend that afternoon (no, you can’t). Rinse, wash, repeat. You'll need to do this again and again. Try your best not to get frustrated. Their little brains process information, especially confusing information, slowly, and they can't always draw the connections you think are obvious.
You will sometimes snap. This is to be expected. You will get frustrated because this is so incredibly challenging, because you are cooped up in between four walls together, and because you are human.
When do, apologise. You have the opportunity to put into words what we’re all experiencing. "I'm sorry I snapped at you, honey. This is a strange day, during a strange time, and I'm having a lot of big feelings. I'll try to do better." Quarantining was made for rupture and repair, arguably the key component when it comes to fostering a healthy and strong parent-child relationship (something your kids need more than anything right now).
Your little ones are not going to do what you want them to do. I'm not talking about non-compliance here, or about the fact that your kids aren't going to want to go to bed on time, take a bath, brush their teeth or clean up their toys. No. I mean that when you plan the perfect activity for them—maybe it's the perfect teddy bears picnic in the garden, baking cake or ice creams in the paddling pool —they are not going to want to do it. Why? Because they're not you. And also because, chances are, you're way too invested in their participating. When you do that, kids tend to run screaming, whether metaphorically or, sometimes, literally. Try being a bit more laid-back about these activities. Chances are, your kids will be curious.
Your kids will communicate through their behavior. They’re not going to tell you they're anxious, disoriented or confused and unsettled. At least, not with words. What they are going to do is have big reactions to seemingly small things, major tantrums, or have difficulty falling asleep, or be more aggressive, or talk baby talk, or not be able to decide what clothes they want to wear. It's up to us to get it, to realize that all of this isn't happening in a vacuum. It's not about the small thing, the temper tantrum, or the clothes. It's about the big, uncertain, unstable world around them. And so:
Try a hug first. When your child can't pick out his clothes, and is getting increasingly upset that there are none he wants to wear, don't join her in that conversation. Don't give him two choices, or tell her him has to make up his mind, or give him a time limit. These aren't necessarily bad strategies, but they won't work now. Why? Because it's not about the clothes. It's about feeling crappy; the clothes are just the focus of the moment. If you wait a few minutes, it'll probably be about the toothpaste. Instead, ask if he wants to hug for a minute. Acknowledge it's a weird, yucky time, and so things are feeling weird and yucky. After you connect, hopefully he'll pick out his clothes. Or you will. And that’s fine too.
Keep moving and keep laughing. Everyone loves Cosmic Kids Yoga. My son is a massive fan of Just Dance and a few minutes of some silly moves somehow always manage to completely defuse an argument. Remember laughter = success. It's trite, but true. There are a million color-coded academic schedules going around, educational apps, e-learning programs, and then there are the memes of haggard-looking moms clearly desperate for relief. You know what counts? Laughter. Joy. Do what your kids love. Do what you love, with them. This is all that matters right now.
Crying is OK too. Theirs. Yours. Don't think of the day as a whole unit, rather, as a whole lot of half-hour segments, or, if that gets too overwhelming, 15-minute ones. Hopefully you laugh more than you cry, but even that is not always going to be the case. At the end of this, when we come out the other side, there will be at least one more 15-minute segment during which you laughed with your child, than when you cried. I promise.
Let go of expectations. There's a wonderful expression: expectations are resentments under construction. We are all feeling out of control. And so we're making plans. Which likely involve your child's daily schedule, activities you'll do together, the amount of screen time you'll allow. Notice your expectations. Then let them go. If you don't, I can almost guarantee there's resentment coming. "I spent hours last night writing a schedule for today, and now you just want to run around in the garden?!" Yes, yes he does. And it's not because he doesn't appreciate you and all you do; it's because he's a kid, and he actually had no idea you were working so hard on his schedule. He was sleeping at the time. Play and let him be happy in the garden, especially while the weather allows. The schedule can wait.
Note your own mental health. The single most important thing you can do to parent during COVID-19 is to take care of yourself. There has been a lot written about managing anxiety in such uncertain times, but there's also a real risk that other mental health issues will flare up: depression, OCD and PTSD, to name but a few. Many practitioners, myself included, are offering telehealth and teletherapy services. Please don't hesitate to reach out for support. Your child will thank you—even if it's not with words.
Reach out: hello@racheldowes.com